I had an epiphany

So lately, I've been a bit off. I wouldn't say I've been depressed but I've been out of sorts. I've felt like I had symptoms but no cure. Actually, come to think of it, I did go thru a phase a month ago where I was ill and I only feel as though I've mostly recovered from it.

But take last night for example. I was exhausted and planned not only to sleep well through the night but well into today as well as this morning was the first morning I didn't have any pressing issues. So what happened? I woke up around 1, couldn't get back to sleep until 3:30ish and then woke up around 7:30ish this morning. Again, I don't feel like what I've been going thru is a depression per say but I've felt like I was trapped in a prison and I didn't know why and I couldn't see the walls to try and mount some sort of escape.

Thankfully whenever I go thru this sort of situation, I tend to arrive at a point where I suddenly see clearly what the problem is where it suddenly seems obvious and I don't know why I didn't see the problem all along. Today, I came to a realization. What I believe to be true is that for a while now I've been searching for rest and relaxion where there was no rest and relaxation to be had. Like last night, I've been trying to sleep but I haven't been tired. I think I have a lot of work in me but my nature has been to avoid that work.

What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure. But, if I had to guess, I think I've been lacking in small victories that are achieved from being a doer as opposed to the bit of emptiness that comes from being quiet and complacent. I think I'm ready to do some achieving.